Judas, Brutus, and the Red Queen Walk Into a Bar...

It's always challenging for me to tell a story in which I am one of the main characters. Which details to include, which to exclude, due to matters of taste, tact, and of course, entertainment, is a constant battle. To tell this story from an objective point of view is impossible; you know it, I know it, and Jesus knows it; that said, I hope my charmfully subtle self-deprecation serves to downplay my bias. Or at the very least, make it a little more entertaining.

Take yourself back to 2004.

I arrived home, the apartment on Valley Brook, after a date with Ashley N. in which we all went to Kristie's house and I met that circle of friends for the first time. I'd been with Ashley about a month. I loved our apartment, down to the blank walls and the benchpress in the dining room. I plopped onto the couch next to my roommate and roughly recalled the last few hours.

Ashley F. and Kristie, like a two-headed demoness bartender, voraciously mixed and served me shots as I undoubtedly made a small fool of myself. Steven ignored my politely lame questions. Nicole was funny and farted proudly. Jay got super sloshed and ended up crying in the bathroom, and eventually her boyfriend sheepishly dragged her home. These were just the first impressions.

After I told the story to Tyler, my roommate and best buddy, I hesitantly added, "I might try and fuck that girl." I wasn't talking about the farting one.

"You mean the married one?" asked Tyler.

"Yup." I was talking about Kristie. That was the first night we met. True story.

I wasn't around for this next conversation, but I heard about it later.

A month or two later, we were all meeting at some bowling alley in Buford. It wasn't just a bowling alley, though. It was one of those redneck cultural centers: bar, pool hall, karaoke, all attached to the bowling alley. I say that without a hateful or patronizing tone; I think most of the people who go there would be proud to be called rednecks.

I came with my girlfriend, Ashley N. Nicole was there too; I think she was with Josh at the time (now her husband), but for some reason I don't think he was there that night. Kristie came with Steven and Ashley F. This particular detail is important because the conversation taking place during this car ride reverberated through the next several years:

"I'm going to flirt with him tonight." That was Kristie. She was talking about me.

"Go for it. I bet he'll respond to it." That was Ashley F.

They agreed that Ashley F. would run distraction on Ashley N. so that Kristie could get an open strike at her target. Me.

I don't remember too much from that night. I probably embarrassed myself at pool. I do remember my girlfriend arguing loudly with Kristie's husband, the first indicator of an odd but obvious sexual chemistry. The most significant event of that evening, in my mind, was that I eventually sat down next to Kristie at the bar and we talked about Nine Inch Nails for the first time. Anybody willing to listen to my theories on "The Fragile" is a good friend of mine, and probably a mild masochist.

That I might try to fuck her was probably somewhere in my mind, but I wasn't making any moves. If anything, I was probably playing it extra safe, if only because I'd already said that. She did make me "taste her drink" at some point in that conversation, which apparently means a lot more to girls than it does to guys. I guess my point is it was all extremely innocent at that point. After all, she was married.

Groups of friends tend to shift like tectonic plates, especially when relationships collide. Steven had an issue with weed; as in, he thought weed smoke would seep into his pores and make him fail a city drug test. Seriously, man, this dangole' guy used to work with ma pappy, dangole' fired, man. OK, sorry, that was inappropriate and juvenile. Still, I caught some shit about it, so some time passed where Ashley and I spent most of our time with Tyler and our friends.

Nicole and Josh also proceeded with their courtship, so Ashley F. naturally assimilated into what Kristie calls the Unholy Matrimony. Steven was a guy's guy, and by that I mean he cheated regularly. If he wasn't cheating, he was trying to cheat; online, at work, whatever. Kristie has told me tons and tons of wild stories, none of which are mine to repeat. No matter how tempted I am. Dammit.

Kristie and Ashley F. were officially at best friend status, as in, they spent the vast majority of their time together, usually with no one else around. Steven made it no mystery whatsoever what he wanted to do with Ashley F., with or without Kristie in the picture. There was a time when Kristie woke up to find them making out on the couch. Kristie tells me she was upset but chose to forgive them, a choice with which I respectfully disagree. There were other incidents which, again, are not mine to repeat.  There were nights that Kristie and Ashley F. locked themselves in the bedroom, leaving Steven to sleep in the other bedroom. It was a very strange relationship all around.

Somewhere during all of this, Kristie and Steven broke up. It probably goes without saying that Ashley F.'s involvement was integral in these proceedings. When Kristie left her house to stay in a hotel room, Ashley F. was with her. Anyway, once Kristie's single status was established, they started showing up at Valley Brook to hang out.

By this time, basically all of my friends, especially Tyler, were begging me to break up with Ashley N. There was one time I was working at Athens when my friend Mary Grace called. I was talking to her when Ashley called on another line. Rebecca answered and put her on hold. Mary Grace and I were talking about an upcoming occasion, and made a remark, something like, "You're gonna break up with her before then, right?" And I said something like, "I don't know, probably." Well, of course, because sometimes my life is a goddamn sitcom, genius Rebecca hadn't put Ashley on hold. She'd conferenced the three lines.

When I hung up with Mary Grace and picked up with Ashley, I got, "I COULD HEAR EVERYTHING YOU SAID!!" In retrospect, I should have just ended it right there. But, because I am an idiot, I chose an incredibly lame Seinfeld defense of, "We were being sarcastic." Then, which is even more insane than the excuse, she actually bought it.

Ashley has a knack for keeping people. That sounds like the most backhanded compliment known to man, and it is. She was telling people that we were going to get married, something I didn't find out until after we broke up. She believed, or at least she told people, that we were on the same page. Deep down, I think she knew it wasn't working, but it was like she still had to believe her own words, so she used every weapon in her arsenal to make her words a reality. That's why I think she believed so much of my bullshit. Ironically, or perhaps appropriately, it's why I found it so difficult just to be bluntly honest.

For Kristie and I to become friends, believe it or not, was Ashley N.'s idea. Whenever I was talking to her and she was at work or pulled away for some reason, she told me to call Kristie, and vice versa. Ashley had it in her mind that Kristie might get with Tyler, creating that perfect little double date scenario that girls seem to love so much.

That would have been fine, and we were all friends, but the chemistry between Kristie and Tyler just wasn't there. I think it got to a point where they knew too much dirt on each other for it to work. Plus, I don't think Tyler would have gone for anything that maintained ties to Ashley N. They really didn't get along.

I was discovering, however, day by day, how much Kristie and I had in common. We would text each other off and on when we were at work, just idle conversation. Kristie was exploring her newfound freedom from the man who took her virginity, and I was trying not to reveal my jealousy. I reviewed the facts. We had sexual chemistry right off the bat, at least I thought so. Now, after getting to know her a little, I was finding that I really got along with this girl.

Ashley N. and I had moved into that off-and-on fighting phase, those lovely unpredictable days when it's a 50-50 on whether it would actually be a fun night. She pulled some lame dramatic shit: going out with a group, getting angry about something and sulking the rest of the night. It was like a night with bad acid: starts good, then quickly takes a very dark turn and stays that way for the rest of your life.

Someone might say, "If you were developing feelings for someone else, then you were unconsciously sabotaging your current relationship." And to that I say...shush your mouth. Just shush it and let me finish telling my story.

I don't know why I decided to send the first bad text message. I call it bad now because, while my intentions were good and the actual content of the message would be considered quite positive indeed, it would probably be considered by mainstream society to be an incident of infidelity. She was talking about a post-marriage escapade, telling me how much me and this other guy have in common, how much we'd get along. I know, she's good, isn't she? :) Anyway, I expressed something about how I wasn't all that excited about meeting this guy, and she asked me why. I said I think you know why, and I think you feel the same way. The text messages continued from there.

I will continue to preach this to my death, even though you have no reason to believe me: Kristie and I never touched each other, beyond a friendly hug in front of witnesses, while either of us were in a relationship. Different people have different priorities when it comes to physical cheating versus emotional cheating. For me, emotional cheating is a very, very blurry line with vastly varying definitions. Physical cheating is a very clear line. I have crossed that line once in my life, and the guilt resulting from that (even though I wasn't caught) was enough to never do it again.

There was one night Kristie slept over with us in Ashley's bedroom. The text messages were a naughty secret, and the sexual energy crackled between us. I remember struggling to get to sleep knowing she was lying in the dark ten feet away from me.

Then there was Labor Day weekend. Ashley F.'s cousin, Lena, came into town, and we planned a little get together at Kristie's house. Earlier that day, Ashley N. took it upon herself to go through Kristie's phone. She said she was trying to find games in the phone, but this is an unlikely story. Maybe she had an unexplained feeling she had to act upon, or maybe she was just nosey. Of course, she found a text message that I had sent to Kristie.

I remember that particularly surreal moment: we were sitting at the dining room table talking about something, and then whoosh, she was up and out the front door without a word. I was like, "What was that?" And Kristie just pinched her lips together and muttered, "She saw something. Just deny it, I'll take care of it." She fed Ashley a story about a different Ben she'd been talking to online. We crossed paths as she was on her way in and I was on my way out to talk to Ashley, and she whispered to me, "It was a different Ben," as if reality had successfully shifted around us.

Once again, I don't know why I didn't just end it right there. Maybe it was pride from not wanting to get caught. Y'know, that knee jerk reaction of, maybe I have a chance to get out of this without looking like a complete douche. She bought the story. God knows why, she bought the goddamn story. Though, in hindsight, and to her credit, she didn't buy it 100%. Maybe, like me, she just wanted to get through the next 24 hours.

A group of us met at Golden Buddha for dinner: me, Ashley N., Nicole, Kristie, Ashley F., and Lena. Everyone except for Kristie and I had spent some time with Lena in the past, and the conversation shifted such that Kristie and I were left alone, sitting across from each other, staring at each other in disbelief. We shared Golden Buddha fried rice. There may have been a little footsie. It was our first date, and my girlfriend sat ignoring me in the next seat.

And the funny thing is, the whole thing may not have gone down if I had just passed the blunt to her first. We made it back to Kristie's house. "Closer" by NIN played in the car on the way back, which has since become mine and Kristie's song. We were sitting on the back patio, chilling, drinking, having a good time. Josh and Steven were there, but did not want to be near the marijuana, otherwise known as me. Didn't hurt my feelings, I promise.

Kristie was sitting on my left. Everybody knows you pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side. Lord knows why, after the events leading up to that moment, destiny dictated my current girlfriend sit on the right, and my future girlfriend sit on the left. I suppose it's oddly appropriate. That one decision set everything off.

I tend to miss things. That's why I have Kristie. I was just chilling, amply buzzed, having a good time, when she tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, "She knows." I said, "What?" Apparently while I wasn't paying attention, Ashley N. leaned over to the other Ashley and whispered, "I think they're lying." And Ashley F. nodded and whispered back, "They are. Come inside and I'll tell you the truth" From then on, Kristie saw the storm brewing in Ashley N.'s eyes.

One can only speculate why Ashley F. decided to help Ashley N. along with the great text message mystery. She'd known about the text messages the whole time. She and Kristie had laughed about them, and even talked about moving to Decatur and getting away from that group. Maybe she had a fit of morals in the heat of the moment and decided to help us come clean. Maybe she felt that itch for drama that we all feel at one time or another. I think it was the path of least resistance, a path with which she is very familiar. Or, like any good SVU dayplayer, she copped to a lesser plea.

Regardless, it led to the inevitable; as Kristie puts it, "the conversation to end all conversations." Ashley N. led me around to the front of the house, and I finally confessed. I gave in. I told her I had feelings for Kristie.

We sat in the driveway and hashed it out. Two hours, buzz destroyed, felt like two days. She told me how terrible I was, and I agreed and apologized an uncountable number of times. She wanted to forgive me and stay together. I said I couldn't do that. No going back now. She wanted to go back, wanted to shift that reality to before the text messages existed. I said I couldn't. We rehashed it.

While this was going on everyone else in and around the house (Kristie's house, by the way) proceeded to spew shit from their mouths like broken sewer lines, telling every piece of dirt they'd collected on Kristie since 7th grade and making up stories to fill in the cracks. They told Steven she'd cheated on him, which is a lie. For a short time there was essentially a McNeil Lehrer round table where everyone went around the room telling Kristie what a dirty whore she is, how she had always flirted with all of their boyfriends and always needs drama. They took some of her bras and threw them into the woods. One of them stole a check out of Kristie's purse. Days later, her house was broken into and several items stolen. Her dog is still missing. No lie.

Steven, surprisingly, was one of the nicest ones and actually defended Kristie at one point. Mostly, he was angry that it took me for Kristie to break away from those girls. Josh was also very nice to Kristie, and I appreciate that.

Eventually Ashley and I moved into Kristie's bedroom to continue the epic break up conversation. Finally I threw my hands up and asked, "Why are you putting yourself through this? Why can't you just let it end?" And, shakily, through tear-streaked eyes, she said, "Because it means I can spend a few more minutes with you." She was out of there pretty soon after that.

She tried to give me a ride home. I said no thank you. Kristie made it clear to everyone that it was OK for me to stay if I wanted to. I certainly wasn't about to get into a vehicle with one or more of those crazy bitches. Honestly, after all that, I was just looking forward to spending some time with Kristie.

Things finally quieted down, and it was down to me, Kristie, and Steven. Then Steven went to Kentucky. No shit. He poked his round head into the bedroom and said, "I'm going to Kentucky, can I borrow your car?"

Kristie said, "No. Take your own car."

He was going to Kentucky to meet a girl. He had several online females saved up from before they were separated. He looked at me next, sitting bewildered on the bed.

"Don't fuck my wife." Then he left.

Then I did :) It wasn't that simple, of course. Talk about an awkward way to get together. We sat on the bed staring at each other like, "Well...here we are." It was almost like the expectations of these fireworks would be impossible to achieve. We were gentle with each other, even hesitant, and it was awkward, but it was fun, and it felt right, which was a gigantic hurdle after that day. We finally went to sleep around five in the morning.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

That was eight in the morning, and it was what we woke up to. Not gunshots, though my brain would not have discerned from them at that point, but knocks on the door.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

Knocks moved from the front door around to the bedroom window. Sounds like thousands of fists ready to break through the glass and take our souls.

"What the fuck is going on?" I whispered, in a panic.

"They're back," whispered Kristie.

The two Ashleys. They separated, one running to the front door, the other around to the patio door.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

It felt like a war zone. We fled to the kitchen, the middle point of the house, where they couldn't get to us.

"Just ignore it, they'll go away," my woefully hopeful whispers.

"No they won't," was Kristie's answer.

I threw on my clothing and prepared to face my assailants.

Don't ask me how, but my ex girlfriend talked me into driving me home. This is from Buford to Decatur, not exactly a three-block jaunt. Guys, you don't know fear until you're sitting in the passenger seat, clinging to the door while your sobbing  ex-girlfriend is dashing in and out of lanes on the interstate. I was truly afraid for my life. We made it though, and finally concluded our 2-part epic break up conversation.

I trudged into the apartment, exhausted, to find Tyler sitting on the couch. I told him the story. Later that day, Kristie came over and stayed the night.

Next morning, you guessed it:

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

This time on my door and windows. Yeah, she drove down to my part of town to terrorize us once again. I guess there was a certain degree of shock that Kristie and I spent two nights in a row together. They had driven to Kristie's house to find her driveway empty. We would find out later, from Ashley F., that it wasn't the first night, but the second that really put the nail in the coffin as far as they were concerned. I maintain that girl politics is really complicated and completely insane.

As is now obvious, Kristie and I have a chemistry that cannot be denied. It seems to fuck people up that we spend so much time together and aren't constantly biting each other's heads off. The truth is, she really is my best friend, and I think that's what might be the most difficult to understand. For Kristie, it was worth her losing her friends. And you know what? Kristie is a predator, and I love the shit of her for it.

So here's my honest opinion about all that shit. Ashley N. and I were together, yes. We dated for almost six months. In the dating process, people meet and get to know other people. That's why it's a process, and that's why we don't have arranged marriages anymore. It just so happens that Kristie and I are a much better match. Does that mean that Kristie STOLE me from Ashley? Well, when you say it that way, it sounds ridiculous.

They say it takes two to tango. Kristie and I have been tangoing regularly now for almost six years. That fact alone says to me that it was all worth it. And in the grand scheme of things, what exactly are the ramifications for all of this useless little drama?

Presumably Ashley N. has moved on from me, though apparently not entirely, but will continue to move on. Eventually she'll find the right person, if she hasn't already, and will finally be happy as only a man can make her. I imagine someone mutually codependent who enjoys quiet nights laying in bed hating on people. They will have children and live out the rest of their lives, and I, at most, will be a distant memory; a cautionary tale, perhaps, on who to watch out for when their daughter begins dating boys. I'd be honored.

So what's the problem? I feel the urge to apologize again. More than anything, I feel bad for Kristie. She has tried several times to reconcile with Ashley F., and up until recently got no reply. When she finally did get a reply, Ashley called her slutty and told her she would have to be friends with Ashley N. before they could talk. That isn't happening any time soon.

I sent Ashley N., my ex girlfriend, a friend request on Facebook with the intention of sending a polite apology letter. I was rejected. In frustration from Ashley F.'s slutty comment, I decided to post a small rant on my wall, calling them out for being fake. I was emotional at the time. It was a pretty stupid move, but it did spark a valuable response. Ashley F. wrote me an unintelligible message:

Someone told you the lies, and trust me I have one person on my side who went through it all, and its not ashley. I hope you two are happy together and I am glad yall found each other, but 5 years ago things just went down in a bad way. I hope you two can move past this, I know I have, but know you are being told lies and lots of them. Take care and have a great life you two.

But more importantly, Ashley N. wrote me a message too. Luckily for her, I don't require a friend request to send me a message. For the most part, I thought it was well thought out, well written, and took on a mature point of view. Naturally, she blocked me before I could reply (standard girl move, not the first for me), so I decided that we should have that final conversation we never had right here. So here is her message to me, with my replies, so everyone can get it straight once and for all:

I think you and Kristie can live your life any way you please, as it has nothing to do with me anymore. What you two did is in the past and it obviously was for the best for all parties involved.


I agree 100%.

And if people don't want to be your friend its up to them, you can't bully people into it.

Yeah, Kristie put herself out there and tried to reconnect with Ashley F. She was shut down. You don't have to rub in rejection. It's a little hypocritical.

I obviously have my reasons for not wanting either of you as part of my life and Ashley, being my best friend, has hers and no matter what they are, reliving them on fb is going to do anyone any good.

Kristie just wanted Ashley F. as part of her life, not you. To say that she has to be friends with you is just crazy girl Mad Max punishment, or another way of saying "It isn't going to happen."

It just hurts and its unnecessary.


Please just accept this and please stop with all the friend requests, all this does is drudge up a million memories that I don't want to relive. That was a terrible time in my life that has affected my love and trust ability to this very day. I know it was for the best for you two, but you can't presume to know what that situation did to me.

You're right. You got fucked over by your boyfriend and your best friend in the same night. It makes for a great 80's movie tagline. It's easy to look at it that way, but you also have to look at the alternative. If Kristie had met someone, for instance, and the text messages never happened, and you and I stayed together a little longer. We weren't going to stay together forever. I knew that the whole time. Would it have been better if we broke up and Kristie and I never got together? I know it's easy to be selfish and say yes, but in a twisted way, you're the reason Kristie and I found each other. That's not sad, or scandalous, or evil, or shallow, or selfish. That's fucking magical.
Kristie did apologize to me last year and I appreciated it, even if it was 4 years later, at least she did. You however have not and a facebook apology on a status, I happen to see as I am blocking you, all this bs, doesn't count. And I could care less, its besides my point, just seeing all this and you two after so long is just not what I need or want in my life. I just want to be left alone to live my life in peace. I know that is what you two would want as well, so let's just do that okay?
 
First of all, why bother with the whole "I happened to see this while blocking you" story? That's just silly. But besides that, like I said before, I did apologize like a thousand times, just not after the break up conversation. I don't know all of these crazy girl rules, OK? How many times do I have to apologize, and at what frequency? And when was the expiration date? What confounds me is that Kristie and I still being together seems to make it all worse, which is the last thing I wanted to do.
 
I guess, after all this bullshit, it's what I should be apologizing for. I'm sorry for being so dishonest, and I want you to know that those times have past. Trying to save your feelings is like throwing a grenade down my pants and then giving you a hug. And look what I went and done did...wrote a whole blog about it. Why do we dig up the past like this? Maybe because the gravel in our hearts keeps us from burying it too deep. Therapy dressed up as entertainment, like a Romero movie.
 
Maybe if we beat these zombies enough, they'll decide to rest again for a while. Maybe this time they're gone for good. Rest assured, the undead are moaning their triflin' asses off in Oakwood tonight.